navelgazer: flibbertigibbet & noodler

wanderlust (the grass is green everywhere)

nobody@vox.com(navelgazer) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 07:35:51 -0600

even here.

it's not easy living with me, I know. I'm the moodiest of critters, too often curled mollusk-like into my own shell, betimes bemoaning this or that or the whole kit n caboodle of my lot, tending to place blame for dissatisfactions wholesale on geography. poor chicago, it's not to blame for my malaise, ultimately. but I can sure make it sound like it. to live with me is to attend an ongoing litany of plaint (hi, een) and confected concoctions of how fabulous it would be to move elsewhere in one direction or another-- now closer to my family, now nearer friends, then away overseas, or what about just striking out behind the wheel across this great nation, no agenda, cameras and gazetteers in hand?

the noodling, you see, unto perpetuity-- and I, for the most part, swept up inside its momentum, remain largely unaware of the impact of narratives I create, compulsively, in words thrown out across the airwaves of a room-- until confronted by my partner's, or on one or two memorable occasions my friends', sheer sense of cognitive dissonance-- you say again and again how you're unhappy with this, how you'd just be happier with that...

the bittersweet truth is: the that is the forever elusive horizon, and this state of affairs is as it's ever been. spinning dreams out this way and that is what I do. and it may from certain angles seem to contain only downside: continuous complaint, who wants it? so tedious-- but underlying it nonetheless is the present, also cherished, if less volubly, and, at least in merciful retrospect, woven through with a thousand graces. the dilemma has in part to do with what folks have taken to calling "mindfulness"-- that is, not having enough of it, not practicing it sufficiently to be... what? evolved? at peace with myself in the present?

peace in the present. peace amid motion and thrash of ongoing life. such a buddhist concept. I manage it ill. I am utterly western in my own thrash and whingeing. let us say I could be better: well, I will try. it's foolish to leave a thing at that's just how I am. cop out. but also I'd like to be kind of okay with, and see the value in, my own particular, flailing mish-mash. castles in the air can serve as seeds, take root given a fortuitous season, and climb and grow into something vivid, rooted, and real-- or they can fly away over the water, so much dust into the view. only time sorts it all out.

so, at the same time that I discourse and fantasize about the multitudinous romances of Elsewhere, now I shop for a home to buy in chicago, a little piece of real estate in order to dig in, plant my garden, take root and claim this city as my own.

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touching base/wood/the keys

nobody@vox.com(navelgazer) — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:15:58 -0600

ah, man, I've missed my little ibook-- chris got it working again just last night and then was off to work super-early this morning, so here I lie, having my old type-in-bed time once more. an indeterminate brain is confronted by the opportunity...

honestly, I've felt a bit adrift without the tether of words composed here-- facebook brings something else entirely-- reconnections, semi-connections, a superficial sort of webbing, but webbing nonetheless-- it's brought me back into some form of contact with more than one lost friend, for which I'm enormously grateful-- but the writing medium is altogether different, requiring by custom if not strict technical limitiation (as twitter) a tendency of hyper-abbreviation. this tenor is most surely the coin of the realm more generally, but as an expressive form it does little for real mulling through-- my milieu. yes, I know, it isn't as if vox (or for that matter wordpress, blogger or, heck, my trusty paper journal) has gone away, only myself that has elected to neglect the form-- the medium itself remains available throughout my various distractions.

and to what do these distractions amount? little coherent cumulatively, I fear. there's me, always inclining to weigh and measure. recently here and there been torturing myself for no good reason with google searches for people I no longer need any connection with-- wretched, idle hands. I know better. well, at least the killing curiosity is soon exhausted with lack of any relevance, but it's a waste of energy. and other wastes as well-- time and self spent merely watching video, tuning out, dialling down the day. then there's been some good reading (margaret atwood-- and attending her gorgeous many-voiced book launch event downtown on friday). a weekend full of sleep, fighting off one of the many seasonal bugs flying around. glorious golden autumn days. car repairs etcetera.

adrift. diffuse. in need of locating a likely thread to stitch it all into some sense.

one thing tho: we've begun to plan weddinging for 2010-- in our own idiosyncratic way, with sites of celebration in chicago and northern michigan-- we've started sketching it out for ourselves, what's wanted, what's not wanted, how to accommodate the needs versus desires of those we love, how to make something authentic and real and delicious and right for ourselves, to relinquish any mar from the past's damaged expectations-- to begin anew, rightly and brilliantly, for ourselves.

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okay

nobody@vox.com(navelgazer) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:50:48 -0600

so I may not 100% love my job every single day, but by golly it's nice having a puppy to snorgle in the afternoon sunshine.

110509_puppy1

110509_4

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just your average ghoulie family

nobody@vox.com(navelgazer) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:03:56 -0600

halloween 2009

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we be halloweenie

nobody@vox.com(navelgazer) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:13:01 -0500

...at work today:

103009_halloween

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creepy burnface update

nobody@vox.com(navelgazer) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:11:49 -0500

in honor of halloween ghoulies everywhere:

from my twisted darlin'--

Subject: Burn Baby Burn

How's the face my dear?

four little pork chops
squealing in a pan
flipped one over
grease flying out of hand
kissing her face a burning revenge
they got you back
in the very end

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splatterned

nobody@vox.com(navelgazer) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:29:06 -0500

got myself good with hothot cooking oil splashed from the pan last night (dumb dumb dumb)-- lucky to have a fella around who's good in unpleasant medical situations (and who can also finish the cooking-- seared pork chops with a mushroom, onion, pear, white wine, and membrillo (quince) tequila deglaze-- delicious)-- but, vain girl that I am, I reeeally wanted to call in ugly to work this morning. wah.

maybe I can consider it a type of urban primitives scarification thing. in any case, am definitely planning to work it into the halloween costume someways-- good thing our costume plan allows for it!

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stop the plan to sulfide mine michigan's u.p.!

nobody@vox.com(navelgazer) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:42:17 -0500

hooray for beloved iowan greg brown's contribution to the ongoing (expensive, frustrating, at times utterly disheartening) battle against international mega mining conglomerates filching the resources from the ground and poisoning waterways in one of the few remaining true american wildernesses! (I'd embed the video, but it's important to actually go to the site)--

Yellow Dog

pine river from road bridge

also please check out the MiWater - the Clean Water Ballot Initiative for michigan-- and pick your favorite body of water to tell a story about!

(and just a little geographically-related side note to my pals: please try to keep labor day weekend 2010 clear. kthanxbye.)

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FB: what gives?

nobody@vox.com(navelgazer) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 10:51:20 -0500

anyone? this is what I'm getting today:

FB_FU

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the right way to start off a week

nobody@vox.com(navelgazer) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 09:53:00 -0500

after plenty of sleep (i.e. napful, easygoing, soul-spacious weekend), cellphone alarm starts playing jenny lewis at 6 a.m. hit hush, scritch puppy and fall back asleep. wake for good when it goes off again at 6:30.

rise, throw on sweats and sneaks, and drag puppy and feller from bed, grumbly and rumpled for walk in still-dark morning through autumn neighborhoods.

stop for coffee and lox-cream-cheese-bagels and chit chat with the guys at beans n bagels.

cross the river on the wilson bridge with sunrise.

100 situps on the yoga mat.

art play table for an hour or so and actually make a piece start-to-finish.

off to work with a fine happy head.

Wind at your back

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